(Still) Not Easy

2 years ago this time, I published a piece titled, “It’s Not Easy To Be My Friend”. And introspection in these couple of days as we take a breather from the A levels mad-rush has lead me to a similar conclusion (it seems little has changed), this one is dedicated to the ones who have become a source of unconditional support within the school campus and whom I’m so incredibly thankful for:

“I change my mind easily yet I always must have a plan, even if it’s a spontaneous idea I have decided to adopt, it is imperative we come up with a plan around it, minute by minute, if possible. I hate getting lost because it wastes my time, so if you bring me somewhere please know where you’re going. Actually I don’t like anything that wastes my time, so I find myself disinterested in a couple of obligations. I am emotional, very emotional and so I am fragile. If you say anything, even as a joke, if I can’t tell you’re kidding, it hurts and I’ll break. Actually even if I know it’s a joke, an over-thinking nature would concoct a subconscious reason you may really mean this hurtful remark and it’ll still pierce through this very permeable membrane. My emotional shroud is not one to be messed with, I seek to understand and connect. So in every way possible, I try my best to put myself in your shoes and think of what you think and do what I suppose you’d like (there are exceptions like very tired unclear minds at night or maybe it depends on the person) I am distracted easily and I have a short attention span. I don’t like to hear people elaborate if I think I already get what you mean (because that wastes time). And as much as I care, I forget easily. Your birthday, the shade of brown your eyes are or your favourite band and artist, all that I forget yet I expect you to remember mine. It’s hard to change my mind about something because often I know what I want and what I don’t want, so it’s easy to feel like you don’t have a say in my decisions. It’s also easy to feel dispensible in my life and assume I don’t need you; and leave. Being my friend is not easy. As an extension to what I was thinking about yesterday, today I realised that I’m a very difficult person to stay friends with or love, so I thank everyone who has stayed by my side despite how intolerable I may be. It’s very easy to walk away, but I promise if you stay, I’ll devote as much as I can into our friendship. And being my family member is even harder. …I suppose so, since you’re stuck with me forever- so thanks mom, thanks dad, thanks sis, thanks bro.”

(Written in 2013)

2 years on, it’s a bit different. A new accumulation of sudden departures, plot twists in the expected happy endings and chilling memories as reminder of the uncertain nature of relationships has introduced caution, into my interactions. This caution translated into action, comes in the form of a careful pursuit for depth in friendships (as I have attributed many unwanted departures to that). There is a story about nomads, who tie camels to these trees in their sleep (see: The Camel Story) and the moral is that our past becomes a part of ourselves in the present, I guess this would make a classic example. And for having this pursuit shape my sometimes intrusive and overly-attached self in these friendships, I can only thank these people endlessly for your acceptance.

(The photos are not exhaustive, thank you all I deserve none)

itshard4 itshard3 itshard2 itshard #DisconnectTuesday

itshard5

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One thought on “(Still) Not Easy

  1. Pingback: Farewell, JC | frizzyhaired|musings

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