When I categorise my blog posts as ‘endless ramblings’ I really mean that’s exactly what they are; and you may see it as a warning that it has little things to do with what I did in the day or think about things around me, and they’re a lot about how I feel about confusing things. (Or at least things that remain confusing to me) Of all the theories and philosophies I can understand and put into words, ironically the one thing I am most sensitive to but can’t put down into words to describe is my emotions.
I wish I could wear my heart on my sleeve and set its privacy settings as ‘People who Really Care’ so that those who really do can tell when they try, all the things I’m feeling and know exactly what to say and know exactly why I feel a certain way. Unfortunately, that does not exist and when my emotions get the better of me, everything in my mind is a chaos.
Today I found myself feeling an amount of unhappiness I cannot describe with words (I’m not even using this as a figure of speech, I really can’t find the words for it) and after hours of confusion I conclude it’s because today I feel I have suffered a loss. And of all losses that there are, to me one of the most common but painful ones is the loss of a relationship. The closeness and intimacy, the love and realness that came with the sharing of all kinds of secrets, thoughts all the way to feelings; they’re intangible things that are hard to come by. Yet it makes up a big part of my security each time, to be part of something with someone. Sometimes after realising the unexpected loss I wonder if I was to blame or if it was something I could have prevented it in any way but I think tonight I come to terms with the fact that these things are so two sided you can’t single handedly control it at all, there’s no way.
I guess here’s where I learn to let go and I hate it.
Obviously I can’t put these words and thoughts in order but that’s a nutshell, I really tried, and if you read and tried to understand it from the beginning to hear, thank you.
On a side note, I watched ‘About Time’ today and it’s honestly a movie worth watching! Tomorrow is the last day it is screened in golden village to give it a shot! I’ll talk about it tomorrow if my bad memory permits